While a 29-year-old maid's lively romp through his wedding evening plays out in front of Australia on Sunday's Married First Sight, an arrogant groom gets all Michelle Bridges and running body ashamed of her new wife before she threatens to wake her up for ridiculous hours to to drive.
No one should face such vicious threats.
It happens all Sunday night, and the experts are excited to be back in the lab destroying more lives.
"I love this process!" John Aiken beams as he randomly picks up pictures of two people from a messy stack of applications and mates them together.
"Who's next?" Mel Schilling spins as she leans back in her chair and swings her legs up with joy on the table and kicks Dr. Trisha's magical potions.
Good question, Schilling. Your next sacrifice for the evening is Matthew, the 29-year-old virgin.
When we meet Matthew, the producers will only show him to do really virgin things like walking through forests and reading and sometimes walking through forests while reading. He likes to read.
"I'm a lively reader," he says proudly. I don't know what to do to be a lively reader, but it sounds like it involves a lot of animated sideviews.
We see him in the kitchen with his indulgent mother Rhonda, who asks his son what he does at the weekend.
"Not having sex!" we shout at the television.
When Matthew does not read vivaciously or is associated with Rhonda, he takes singing lessons with this lady.
He begins to tell us what his experience with girls has been.
"My relationship history is beautiful …"
"Bleak" we shout at the tv.
"Sad?" we suggest.
"… Minimal," he concludes.
Matthew tells his family and no-nonsense Rhonda is unimpressed.
Matthew Sister Ashleigh is just as foolish.
"Everyone wants to see it. And people are not nice about things like this," she hangs.
How dare you, Ashleigh. You don't even know us. We are lovely, and we have been completely respectful that Matthew is a virgin who cannot drive. You are officially uninvited by your brother's show party who loses her virginity.
After a long chat with John Aiken, Matthew is made to sign a waiver saying he wants sex on this program with whom he is mated.
We all feel so lucky that we get involved and experience the moment with him. How is it executed? Will we be waiting with the cameraman outside the little door, while Matthew does it in John Aiken's office with Dr Trisha in a lab coat just inch away and coaching him through it? I hope so. It would be really intimate and cozy.
"We need to be very careful about finding the right match for Matthew," Mel Schilling intentionally said.
Keen observation, Schilling. And that's one we agree on. So we are thrilled to announce that Matthew is mated to undervalued wallflower Elizabeth.
We are lying Elizabeth and Matthew would be good to each other, but the experts decide to pair him with Lauren.
She is a 31-year-old adult acne survivor. She is honestly very nice and a great match for Matthew.
Then we meet Samuel, who explains to us the difficulties of being really, really ridiculously good looking.
"I enjoy my modeling," he randomly says as I tell people, "I enjoy my family size kit kats".
"I just want a natural, beautiful woman," he insists.
He's mated to Lizzie, a 27-year-old store manager who has never seen a YouTube makeup training she didn't immediately try. Girlfriend loves makeup. Too much is not enough. Napoleon Perdis did not fall into the receivership this week, they actually ran out of makeup to sell because Lizzie bought it all.
"Guys are very scared of me," she tells us, but I honestly believe that most people are aware of her.
On her wedding day we catch her in her cabin at. The light is soft, and today's chaos has not begun. Lip liner has not been touched, mascara wands have not been exhausted. It is true that a star is born.
But peace will soon be disturbed when a random makeup artist cuts up and suggests a naked lip.
Lizzie eats her alive.
Sam is a conflict man. On the one hand, he says he wants a girl who looks past his real, really ridiculously good look and into his kind soul. He just doesn't want it for someone else.
"My biggest fear I am turning around and I have a girl bigger than me there – imagine it!" he scoffs.
Yes, what a nightmare. How brave of you to go through with this, Sam.
The moment finally comes to Lizzie to make her way down the aisle. When she sees her new husband in the distance, she pauses for a second.
"Does he see porky? He sees tubby," she cries. Turns out they are both as bad as each other. But then he turns around and her fear of tubbiness is eliminated.
Sam, however, is not relieved. He suddenly gets all of Michelle Bridges.
"I've never really dated girls as big as Elizabeth in the past, to be honest," he crises.
"Maybe I'll get her running in the morning with me. Maybe pull her out with me, I don't know. She's got the right thing. We get her going. She's getting good."
Early morning run. It's a cruel threat.
Across the city, Matthew prepares for his wedding day by eating a carrot spider and reading vivaciously.
At the ceremony, Rhonda begins to get all judges again.
Matthew and Lauren love each other, who is very boring, and then they kiss, but it only lasts a nanosecond. Initially, we are disappointed with the meh kiss, but then we remind ourselves that this is a long game and we do not want to scare Matthew away.
"He has a very soft kiss," Lauren gushes, unaware of the lips she just felt, have never been touched.
"I have a surprise planned for my new wife," Matthew tells us.
"My heart flutter, I have butterflies in my stomach. My knees will shake a little. My adrenaline starts to pump."
Oh, my goodness. He must do it. Matthew is going to pull his purity before all these people right now. We back the DJ and retrieve the AUX cable so we can connect our iPhone and play some Sade to set the mood.
But Matthew's lively song teacher has hit us in the battlefield. She splashes down beside us and begins to knock off the electric keyboard.
A spotlight suddenly flashes down and Matthew appears in the center. He begins to belt out the bolero-mambo classic Sway. It's like a Michael Bublé concert, but even worse.
We escape the offensive scenes and zip over to Sam and Lizzie's reception, where Sam is still full of himself and trying to sell gym memberships.
He has killed his new wife to talk to her friends from the back.
"She's not as slender as the girls I dated in the past, she's bigger. Hopefully, she's running a lot," he says.
Oh, Sam. You are the one who likes to drive better. Because Lizzie doesn't allow you to go. She sticks to you as the non-FDA approved waterproof mascara she bought on the internet.
After his appalling performance, Matthew feels electrified. There is nothing he cannot achieve. He is the creator of his destiny. So he takes a deep breath and tells Lauren that he is a Cher Horowitz.
"I'm still a virgin," he exclaims.
Her answer is perfect.
"Shit!" She blurs, eyes wide and mouth agape.
Access has not changed as Lauren feels. And it shouldn't. Matthew is a lovely guy. In fact, it makes her even more like him.
"I have a sense of responsibility to make it special for him," she smiles.
Oh, your children. It happens when it happens.
And when it does, it will be lively.